Observations on Modern Dating
I listened to an episode of "The Assignment" podcast this morning. Yet another dive into contemporary dating and the way things have changed over the generations.
Dating Apps and the Demise of American Romance
The host (Audie Cornish) and guest (Faith Hill) made some interesting observations on the nature of dating in 2025. Hill has written on the topics of dating and relationships, including eight months ago for The Atlantic.
The Slow, Quiet Demise of American Romance
Throughout their discussion, there seemed to be general agreement on several topics, though I willingly admit some of this may be my own inference:
1. Technology has negatively impacted the way we interact with one another in person.
Cornish notes that she might not have ever met her husband in our current reality. He was smoking a cigarette outside the building she was trying to find, and she asked him if she was in the right place. Today, he'd be doomscrolling and her phone would have already told her it was the right place.
Obviously, I agree with the conclusion. In my prior post, I asserted it is unlikely to connect with strangers in public spaces. Everyone is lost in their own world. I didn't observe this prior to smartphones: even if you were listening to music, at least your eyes were up. Your eyes being up increases the chances of engaging with another human being dramatically. That doesn't seem to happen anymore. Not for almost two decades.
Just as importantly, I wonder if the addiction to technology has had a more general impact on our behavior.
While visiting the city I mentioned in my recent post, I wandered downtown for hours. I can't begin to estimate the number of people I encountered. I conducted an experiment: my phone was in my pocket. Even when others were not preoccupied with their devices, they avoided eye contact with me. Now, is this simply a function of city life (i.e., just keep to yourself and avoid the potential for some undesirable confrontation) or an indicator of a greater reluctance to engage with other people?
I am not hideous. I'm also not stunning. A solid seven on my average day. I also don't act out in any unusal manner, and I'd classify my demeanor as approachable. All this to say that no one should find my looks or my behavior off-putting.
When I was younger, I learned to make eye contact with people, even strangers, and maybe even smile as you approached. I have some fond memories of fleeting nonverbal interactions. I'm concerned that this is no longer "a thing people do." If so, what is the cause?
2. Using dating apps has altered the way we treat other people.
Our culture had until recently been preoccupied with the concept of "desensitization" (lately, all we seem to care about is being hateful to one another to score political points, but I digress). Children were going to be desensitized to violence through video games. Frequent exposure to sexualized content would damage our ability to form profound emotional bonds through intimacy. I'm not asserting whether or not these concerns were or remain valid; I believe good points can be made on all sides. But I would agree with Cornish and Hill who seem to believe the use of dating apps has changed our approach to others.
Swiping through hundreds (thousands?) of profiles has transformed the experience of "dating" into a game. The danger is that we may cease thinking of those on the other end as human beings. Cornish suggests the fear of rejection, previously owned by men, has now been generalized to everyone. The extremely common act of ghosting might be damaging our self-image in ways we don't thoroughly understand.
In the '90s, you broke up with someone and then might still have to see them regularly--in class, at work, and so on. When almost all of our initial interaction is done through the buffer of the internet, people are unfazed just hitting the block button. Contemporary daters seem less likely to consider how their actions might impact the other person, because they don't have to observe the emotional impacts and the chances of a future awkward interaction have dwindled to a statistical zero.
Back in the day, this seven did very well meeting people online. Partly this was due to age (I was, after all, 25 years younger) and partly it was due to the fact that the internet was not a common vehicle for meeting people and dating. There was nothing resembling Tinder, and all the hottest people were still hooking up in bars. I ghosted so many women. I'd slept with lots of them. It was certainly not healthy for me. I'm sure it was also not good for them. Now that online dating is the new normal, it is happening everywhere, all of the time, and everyone seems to have embraced this behavior. The whole of society might be damaging itself, one person at a time.
3. Dating is just *different* now.
Cornish and Hill discussed the fact that people are less likely to make a second date with someone, because they weren't "vibing" (which I presume is what we used to call "clicking" or "fireworks" or "butterflies" in the Olden Times™) on the first date. Additionally, they comment that while people used to think of dating as fun, its now seen as more of a chore. People want a relationship and (eventually) a family, but the steps they are taking to get there offer no lasting enjoyment.
I haven't been on a date in years, probably since the start of the pandemic. It's hard to pin down the specifics on timing, but I may have met a friend for drinks once since 2020, and escorted another to dinner and a concert probably two years ago or so. But these were existing relationships with women I'd been sleeping with for years. I am not sure if I even consider these to be "dates." Maybe so. They probably would have.
Before the pandemic, I rarely went on dates--relatively few since my last serious relationship ended almost 20 years ago. I came to see them as a waste of my time and, honestly, my money. During a meal or over coffee or whatever, I discovered I had nothing in common with most of the women. Some wanted to immediately jump into marriage. Some were utter morons. Some clearly just wanted a free meal. Dating was indeed a chore. By the sound of it, things have only gotten worse.