On being frustrated with visiting family
---
Published: November 2, 2023
---
I consider myself to be a pretty happy person, but some days, sometimes, I just want to *paint everything black*. I find myself to be so angry at the world, or sometimes it's worse and instead of anger there's just sadness.
I know there are certain situations that I can more or less confidently say are sort of triggers for these feelings. For example, I live with my in-laws and during the holidays all their *offspring* come over and stay multiple days with us. Now, I do love them and I have no real problem with them, but there are situations when there's just a lot of mess, loud noises, and general insanity (especially since some of them have small kids). After the first few days I feel like a length of rope, wound tighter and tighter, beginning to fray, losing its shape.
I imagine that in this specific instance the problem is that I don't want to change my otherwise peaceful life. I think there's some sort of control obsession going on, where I want something to be some way and then to realize I'm powerless to change it because, even though I think of my in-laws' house also as *my* house, it is still theirs and I have no real say in anything, I'm just one more of the bunch.
Having these feelings makes me feel *incorrect*. They're my family after all. Shouldn't I, like, enjoy being with them ALL the time? Look forward to their *incursions* into my day to day existence?
No. It doesn't sound right to feel bad about *having feelings*, but I do think I should be more mindful and realize that sometimes there's nothing to control, and that resenting them for their desire to be happy is not fair.
Also, these frustration I have towards them usually makes me keep my distance, which in turn makes me feel more alienated from everyone, a stranger in my own home.
I don't want this for myself. Luckily there is a clear path ahead, I only hope I have the determination and discipline to follow it: give up control.
---
---