Shame in Writing
---
Published: November 24, 2023
Tags: wordvomit, reflection
---
I haven't told my family (or friends) that I have a blog. I don't know why. The emotion I feel towards the idea of sharing this with them is *shame*. And that's just telling them of the act. Actually having them read it is positively terrifying. I've had this feeling for a while now actually, that writing is something to be done in the dark, when no one is seeing.
Looking deeper I think it's because I'm afraid of them reading my stuff and then realizing I'm no good, and making fun of me in some way. I feel this most especially with my wife (which is weird since she, and everyone else close to me, has been nothing but supportive with whatever it is I want to do), but it's still present, to a lesser extent, with everyone else I can think of. Even with internet stranger — although you are at the end of the spectrum. Still, that's probably the reason why I haven't shared any stories online.
In my early twenties I got into meditating quite a bit, and was a *fan* of Buddhist literature. I was — and still am — impressed by their whole view of the mind. Growing up a Christian (who later became an atheist) it was a whole revelation, a new way of thinking about good and bad, about happiness and sadness.
Anyway, I'm digressing. What I wanted to talk about is that at this point — I must have been around 21 or so — I felt ashamed of people (and again, especially my wife) seeing me meditate. I would even go to such extents such as locking myself in the room before sitting *on the cushion*. I can only wonder what it was she thought I was doing.
It always struck me as interesting. Nowadays I still meditate (less than I would like) but no longer feel any shame about it. Although there was a moment when I had to go through the transition. I would work up my courage to tell her *I'm going to meditate* and she would just say *go for it* or some such. I don't think she ever realized that it was a big deal for me to deal with the uncomfortable-ness of having her in the room with me. Our minds can be quirky sometimes.
Maybe I should take the same approach with writing and just *bite the bullet* as they say. Although I don't think I'm strong enough. At least not yet.
~ Take care
---
Tags:
---