America's warped views on body image and shitty food
or why I have an eating disorder
Let's face it, American media portrays the "perfect" person one of two ways.
- If you're a woman, or identify as a woman, you are _expected_ to be twig thin, have the "perfect" hair, wear the "perfect" clothes, and adopt an appearance like whatever trash TV network says is hot at the moment.
- If you're a man, or identify as a man, you are _expected_ to have 6 pack abs, be tan, and lean into misogeny to the point of being an incel.
None of these are _realistic_ by any means, and there are real consequences to being SPAMMED by superficial media (tv, magazines, ads, etc.) basically 24x7x365, since you were old enough to remember. That said, rants like this are YMMV (your mileage may vary) and _extremely_ subjective.
Anyways, today I had a somewhat constructive conversation with my wife about my eating disorder, which I have refused to accept; typically, this conversation (what, you think it was the first? Oh summer child...) uses words like "toxic", (who is?!?!?! what is?!?!), "finally skinny enough", "anxiety", "kids are seeing this behavior", etc. Clearly, this can be extremely triggering for people that do suffer with a warped image of self. What's brutal though, is that _we're taught_ this behavior by our immediate family, friends, peers, media, etc. We are not born and preconditioned to have unrealistic views of ourselves, no. In fact, I learned/was introduced to many shitty topics from immediate family members, and today I'm going to call out my mom.
Towards the end of my parent's marriage, I was close to 10 years old, I remember my mom telling me that she "deliberately got fat" to be unattractive to my dad. Ok, I was a kid, I didn't care about that, I was glad that my parents wouldn't be fighting anymore. Then, after we moved (i.e. dad went and got an apartment and we went to a house with my mom), I noticed that family dinners weren't a "thing" anymore. Because my mom had to work to support her then boyfriend (now, stepdad), my sister and I, and the bills that come with living, food became less visible in the house, and "dinners" were a thing where some fast food would be purchased prior to getting home, and then, initially we'd be told there were tacos or something else to eat. I'm sure I'm embellishing a little bit, but honestly the memories are so vivid. Because we didn't eat as a family together, my sister and I would just make whatever food was there - frozen burger patties, cans of refried beans and some chips, cereal, etc. It got to the point where my friend had me eat dinner at their house at the _same time_ everyday. I'm not sure what he told his parents, I do remember his dad saying one night "Hey John, go home and eat". Just to note, this was in the D.C. area and after my mom got home the last thing she wanted to do was run a house. I get that, we're tired and it's been a long fucking day. This continues for another few years, and we're able to (read: mom and stepdad) purchase a house! Things start to get worse here. Instead of drowning you all with detailed descriptions of what went down, I'll share the following points:
- Both parents were always tired after work, no family dinners unless it was a holiday
- "Dinner" at this point was hardly ever announced and wasn't at the same time everyday
- House is stocked with fat free food, and we're told (my sister and I) that we're not allowed to eat anything fat free since that was my mother's food
- Groceries are hazy at this point; I remember not ever eating breakfast and either bummed change from people EVERYDAY at lunch, or I just ate small pieces of paper to take away the sting of being hungry
- Parents announce they're going to have a baby and my grandparents (mother's side) were going to move out and stay with us for a bit while their house is being built
- Grandma notices that I'm always hungry when I get home and am totally interested in what she's making
- Grandma asks what did I eat for breakfast? lunch? I tell her nothing because I'm not allowed to eat fat free food (my grandma was old skool, she bought fresh stuff everyday to cook)
- My mom and granda have a talk and it's never brought up again
- Little sister is born and grows to a toddler, and my step grandparents purchase TONS of toddler food items such as chef boyardee and other quick, prepared food
- I proceed to steal prepared food because I'm hungry, and had massive guilt because I was taking my little sister's food
I honestly do not recall when my older sister ate, whenever she was home she was either studying or smoking cigarettes. She eventually got a car and a job before I did, and she was buying her own food.
I end up going to military school since I was a complete POS to everyone as a middle teen, did lots of drugs, and just avoided school. The first night there, I was taken to a mess hall, and I remember just eating so good that evening. I had swedish meatballs, mashed potatoes, and some other veggie on the plate. I also was able to make a salad and drink milk. For the next 6 months, I eat the best I've ever eaten in my life, 3x a day.
I return from military school and we're back to the same thing. No set eating times for family, with the only difference being that I recall weekends seemed "normal".
So, I move out and live with my then girlfriend. We both have jobs, and I was welcome at dinner every night, there was also breakfast (which I didn't eat), and lunch food was there. This happened consistently, and I enjoyed it.
We move to Florida to live on our own, and with the money that we were making, I know I bought stuff I wish I had had as a kid; junk food, sodas, etc. I satiated myself as I saw fit and as a consequence I never learned or understood healthy eating habits. I did this for years, and didn't exercise. I smoked cigarettes and weed, only really drank soda and liquor, and had a sedentary lifestyle. We all know what happened next, and after several years of doing the same ole, same ole, I went on an unsupervised journey into weight loss and "dieting". This meant cutting out all junk food, all sodas and juices, and eating only real food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. No eating after 8 PM, not even to taste sauce. If I brought home leftovers from going out to eat (I'd tell the server to split my stuff in half and just bring me the togo box with my plate), I'd get "tempted" to eat before exercising, and if I did, I was instantly guilty of some major crime and punished myself. In fact, the further into my journey I got, the further the loss of reality occurred. My exercise was skateboarding, and if it was raining all day, I wouldn't eat, and I'd try to justify it. Going back to those leftovers, there was one morning that I was so hungry that I pulled out the leftovers and started chewing before I realized what was happening. Instead of swallowing the food, I spit it out and threw everything else into the trash. I got so unheathly looking that friends were making comments about me skippig eating, about looking like I was starved, etc. So much to the point that one of my landlords remarked about how much weight I lost and he apologized for not being more discreet. This is where my body dismorphia started. I remember getting down to my lowest weight as an adult and calmly telling myself "Ok, John. You can eat now". This continued off and on for years, and never really got better because I was always active. But, when weather prevented me from being able to exercise, I'd get super anxious and pace around and make people uncomfortable. Repeat this pattern behavior for YEARS.
I'll spare even more gritty details. I will say that my behaviors have rubbed off on my youngest children. It has been pointed out to me many times. My wife and I would repeat the convo every so often, behavior would get better, then I'd fall back into old patterns. Sadly, I'm back on one of those patterns, and my daughter is starting to get anxious about eating, and a lot of it is my fault, if not all of it. It doesn't feel good to be confronted about it, especially since it is a serious subject. Anyways, today, my wife had made what I interpreted as a slightly condescending statement - something that I've said. Instead of getting angry, or playing the victim card, I told her that I know I said that, which is probably why it was delivered in such a smart ass tone, and that she wasn't wrong. This has gone on too long, and it's pretty fucking stupid constantly having the same bullshit cycle over and over and over again. I did tell her that something was different this time, I was able to calmly see everything from her point of view, and stepping outside of my body for a moment, I told her I'd be saying the same thing to myself.
Goddamned learned behavior. Goddamned superficial and unrealistic body expectations SPAMMED on us. It's a fucking disease.