Depression and screen addiction

I have suffered from chronic depression a good 20 years now. Basically since my late teens when I left school at 17. Maybe even before that. And my past coping mechanisms weren't exactly healthy. Throughout my 20s I developed a serious drinking problem. Until in my early 30s I began to allow myself to heal. And things became better. I stopped drinking, transitioned, left the tech industry, built a social life, made a lot of art, found God. And my mental state was slowly improving year by year.

Last year was a big setback. Already being crushed emotionally by whitnessing an ongoing genocide and the complete utter ignorance of the society around me, on top of all the misery I am whitnessing as a social worker patching up young people chewed and spat out by the capitalist death machine, I was already on the verge of trauma burnout (the emotional toll commonly experienced by aid and care workers). Then 2025 came and I slipped into the most toxic relationship I had ever had. Those were 6 months of hell, being exploited, degraded, manipulated, gaslit into self-blame, assaulted, my apartment being thrashed regularly, my roommate fleeing, my friends becoming more distant.

It took an attempted femicide for me to finally flee. To finally draw a line and activate all available ressources to have my (now ex-) partner being forcibly kept away from me.

On top of all of that, 2025 began with a friend's death, ended with another friend's death and two hands full of trans girls in my wider circle, those I only knew briefly or only by name, dying troughout the year. My community falling apart. Trans people dying like flies.

Burnout

This year began in deep burnout. And I allowed myself to rest. After all that had happened, of cause I need rest. But it also meant I spent day after day in bed, ordering takeout and distracting myself with the big TV screen at the foot of my bed.

Fast forward 3 months and here we are. My apartment lies in disrepair and neglect. I lie in disrepair and self neglect. Waiting for a therapy slot and a social life in shards. Too tired to go out or read. Too little occupation to sleep. In the beginning of the year I spent a lot of time processing my emotions through art. I drew and wrote a lot. I grieved for my sisters and for my inner child. Now I am empty, all that's left is the glowing TV screen.

Screen addiction

My brain is predesposed to all sorts of addiction. I used to be an alcoholic, a workaholic. I spent my share of time in manic hedonism, living between raves and fuckpiles. But the TV screen was always engrained in the very structure of my brain. I grew up with a mother who is not unlike myself. A depressed burned out artist. And when I grew up, the TV was running 24/7.

No matter how bad you feel, you can always dive into the slop from the glowing box. Immerse yourself in numbness. Embraced by the moving lights.

Modern times with the abundance of on-demand content has worsened this tendency. Binge watching is a word now. And for the last months, this is what is ruining my life.

Sometimes I am pretty occupied for a couple of days. Have a friend coming over, doing some planned activity, leaving the house. And on those days I am off screen, sometimes for several days in a row. And during those brief times things are getting better. But then I always relapse. It's not just the waste of time bingewatching while I could do things that are good for me. It is sabotaging everything. Buying groceries? Washing my clothes? Cleaning up my apartment? Seeing friends? All has to fit into the small gaps between huge blocks of screentime.

Sleep? I can spend 24h in bed and not have one minute of quailty sleep. Binge watching from cliffhanger to cliffhanger for 12h, all night, just to fall asleep in the morning, dozing during daylight without deep sleep, getting up in the dark. The lack of good sleep making me too borked to do anything productive when I get up. So what can I occupy myself with? You guessed right.

Now today I reached a new low. Waking up in the evening only to notice I just overslept an entire work shift. Yes it's volunteer work but I let down my clients and my colleagues. I *should* take a break from work because I am becoming a liability right now. But my few work shifts, usually one a week, is the last thing giving me some structure through the week.

I know what I *need*. I need a stay in a place where I am reintroduced to a structured day. To sleeping at night, to having 3 meals a day. Sadly the only place for that in this culture is the psych ward. And yeh, it could be worse. I have a psych wardd in walking distance that offers an open stay where you're able to leave the program if you want.

Now I live in waiting mode to get a spot there...

Until then, my plans pile up.