I spent a decade studying Physics and all I got was anxiety
It's time for humanity's favorite past-time!! Complaining of problems of our own making!!!! Woooo!!
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One year and some months into the PhD, I am often sad, sometimes apathetic or angry, and all times confused. What went wrong?
I got really into Physics after high school. At the time, this noble idea of pursuing knowledge and beauty seduced me --- especially because I could sound so smart doing it ---, so I decided against an engineering degree and went for Physics instead. Thankfully.
Fast forward 10 years, and I have read the books that looked so mysterious. I know what the hell are Lorentzian manifolds, Hilbert spaces and Lagrangian densities, and I have had the pleasure of solving some intensely rewarding textbook problems. My curiosity is satisfied and I have impressed the people I wanted to impress, but now it is unclear what to do with this advanced knowledge of theory and advanced ignorance of life.
Go into research! --- they said. It will be beautiful and fulfilling, you will have the tools to free your mind! --- they said.
Do not be deceived by storytellers. Academic research is not easy.
The effort I put into this job is immense compared to the pleasure I get out of it. Time moved on, my vain little ideas over the years didn't go anywhere, and I am now a different person in a different context with different needs.
For the longest time, I had this childish idea that just showing up to do science, while being genuinely interested, honest and hardworking, would make all go well. But to really make it in academia requires much of the kind of work I thought I could avoid: setting priorities, organizing, convincing, managing, advertising.
In some aspects it's similar to entrepreneurship: I am my boss, I have to set and obey my rules if I want to get anything done. The main resource at my disposal is my attention, but I haven't yet learned to manage it. While it's easy to think about things and write notes and go through many details and dream up little ideas for further exploration, it's very hard to form a coherent project out of these daily pursuits.
Being stubborn and perfectionist does not help either. Much of my frustration comes from fear of failure, combined with trying to impress people. It is satisfying when people think I'm smart (of course), but boy, am I tired of chasing this. I am 27, but somehow I can't let go of this stupid bullshit alpha nerd contest happening in my mind.
So what to make of all this?
Toast with hummus, is my answer.