_____                                __ 
|_   _|__ _ __ _ __ ___  ___    ___  / _|
  | |/ _ \ '__| '_ ` _ \/ __|  / _ \| |_ 
  | |  __/ |  | | | | | \__ \ | (_) |  _|
  |_|\___|_|  |_| |_| |_|___/  \___/|_|  
                                         
  ____ _   _          _   _     _          
 / ___| |_| |__   ___| |_| |__ (_) ___ ___ 
| |   | __| '_ \ / _ \ __| '_ \| |/ __/ __|
| |___| |_| | | |  __/ |_| | | | | (__\__ \
 \____|\__|_| |_|\___|\__|_| |_|_|\___|___/
                                           

A friend was thinking about running a Call of Cthulhu campaign, where demonic hair-extensions burrow into people’s brains to control them. I’ve never run Call of Cthulhu, but I had a few ideas for things which might happen in the background, and some friends added a few ideas. So here are the bullet-points I sent him:

• Class action lawsuit on AI-related discrimination reaches final settlement
• Skibidi Toilet Company sends DMCA to Garry’s Mod, as Skibidi movie enters pre-production
• You go to turn off your phone, but the power-button now turns on AI. Cortana pops up and asks how she can help.
• You can turn this feature off by going to Settings > Developer -> Advanced -> Ethics > Ethical Adjustments > Features > Click ‘Fewer features [ ]‘ > Agree > Agree > Voice authentication.
• Microsoft issues an apology for incorrect instructions on turning off new AI features. ‘That page was written by an AI.’

“We are working tirelessly to fix the hallucination problems, and will be back to you with a better solution as soon as we can.”

• Supreme Court dismisses Facebook class-action lawsuit appeal
• Pope Francis names late web designer as first Millennial saint
• Smart toothbrushes infected with Chinese botnet, are believed to be at the heart of the recent attacks on Microsoft servers
• This song[i] plays in the background (foreshadowing!)
• Microsoft Notepad to get AI-powered rewriting tool on Windows 11
• Sign up for the new Ghost Busters app, and hunt the dead. It’s just like Pokemon Go!, but with all your favourite celebrities.
• Cortana slated to fully replace human 911 operators by early 2021

• Microsoft continue building a nuclear power-plant in order to power their latest AI.
• Skibidi Toilet production delayed until 2026 due to a new type of hurricane. Subscribe to read more
• Increased graphic card demand for Coltan has sparked a new genocide in the Congo. Nvidia states this is ‘none of their business’, and people need to ‘stop being so PC’.
• TikTokers reveal Pokemon Go was a secret plan for the USA government to map the world. Source
• Three new climate scientists found hanged. Was it suicide? AI may have the answers!
• TikTokers report cats staring at the ghosts in the new Ghostbusters app.
• The Vatican has announced its new AI: Vision. Marvel is suing for copyright infringement.
• ‘Terms of service’ now called ‘ethics agreement’
• Madonna, 63, stuns in a new selfie, rocking new lingerie and a new face.
• Lindsay Lohan denies plastic surgery rumors in a lie detector test, claims “it’s all good diet, medication, and colon cleansing”
• Pornhub.com have announced what they are calling an ‘LBM’, but refused to elaborate further.
• Internet users report seeing Robin Williams in the new Ghost Busters app, frantically trying to tell them something
• What does denaturalization mean for you? Subscribe to find out more.
• Researchers at the University of Belgrade are currently showing how a Large Language Model (LLM) can ‘fast-forward’ its training by moulding with another, creating an output which is the ‘sum of the averages’. The researchers say the output is more like human speech than ever, and ‘completely convincing’. Unfortunately, the results now suffer from an additional 5% increase in hallucinations. The researchers have pledged to fix this problem by the end of the quarter.
• “Neoconservative” movement of women say ‘if you want a family, you just need to lie down with a blank expression, like the dolls boys grow up with’.

Coming soon: Terminator VII.

*Starring Joe Rogan, Cortana, and Robin Williams.

Rogan picks up phone: Cortana - get me the police!

• Audience laughs, inexplicably. Canned laughter. Cortana now makes your phone laugh and cheer, like an audience, when you make a joke. Sometimes, she laughs at odd times.[1]

• People flock to buy new good luck charms[ii].

• J.K. Rowling urges Musk to ban the trending ‘futinari’ hashtag on X.

• Constant reports of porn-sick men who cannot get an erection without watching celebrity-porn (AI generated).

• Microsoft have announced its new ‘Windows 12’, with the slogan ‘what am I hungry for?’. The marketing team admitted it did not make much sense, but that Cortana insisted on the slogan, then added “you know how she gets”.

• LDS Church representative slams TikTok star Nara Smith and sets the record straight: ‘Her darksided DIY rituals give people the wrong idea about our faith’

• Futinari trolls have flooded X with graphic J.K. Rowling ‘deep’ fakes.

• All you need to know about the ‘sweet-sixteen’ surgery

• Windows 12 now comes preinstalled with Subway Surfer live-feeds, which play across half the screen.

• Has denaturalization left you without any citizenship? Look into AI representation today!
• Neoconservative women’s group defend model Nara Smith. ‘It is a woman’s right to perform rituals in her home’
• Microsoft’s Cortana would never film you having sex. It always avoids recording you having sex by using sex-recognition algorithms, so that the camera stops working whenever it sees something explicit. Apple states the same
• Microsoft announces a new green initiative, deny “global warming theories”, because they are “politically neutral”. What they believe in, is Cortana’s new slogan: ‘ever-curious, ever-green’.
• In previous decades, people found adverts under-stimulating. But now, with Pornhub’s LBM, we have seamlessly integrated our sponsors’ messages inside the content, sometimes literally.
• Denaturalized US citizens settle on off-shore rigs, cruise ships, and more; declare themselves ‘Liminals’.
• Le Guin estate files a Copyright claim over the name ‘Earthsea’ given to former Principality of Sealand following Liminals’ takeover.
• Liminals are developing a new culture of ‘no records’, stating they do not acknowledge anything outside of the present moment.
• Google’s new AI watchmen are both the camera and the guard. Click here to find out how this saves G4S millions every year!
• Microsoft would not and cannot sell recordings of you having sex to Pornhub’s Garglebot3000 ‘film generator’. That would violate the Terms of Ethics.
• J.K. Rowling slams Liminal unisex toilets
• James Hardy is suing Microsoft for filming him having sex. Whenever he tries to watch porn, every site shows him having sex with his late wife, and he just wants to move on. (canned laughter)
• The Great Pacific whirlpool swallows another Liminals mega-raft. Death toll unknown.
• Neoconservative woman’s group publish new ebook on how to use VR intercourse in a ‘God honoring way’.
• Authorities have reported terrorist rings evading capture by only making video calls during sex-acts, as the Ethics Algorithms cannot see you while engaged in any sex-act. Join our Patreon to find out why some police think that trans woman are to blame.
• In an effort to combat ‘LBM syndrome’, doctors are prescribing men AppleVision Pro.
• Vogue announces 2026 Met Gala theme ‘Most influential robots’ — and its celebrity co-chairs: Anna Wintour’s AI assistant and more
• Joe Rogan interviews the new TikTok NPC-Queen, from North Sentinel Island!
• Google have accused Microsoft of hiring people to steal the source code for Gemini, but Microsoft’s lawyers have pointed out that ‘there is no precedent for accepting AI testimony in a court of law’. The president has sent his condolences to Google, and promises to crack down on ‘Latinos’.
• In order to keep up with the fast-moving, modern world, many companies are turning to Cortana to help them write their Terms of Ethics.

• “Kids these days don’t understand ethics. They think it’s a Cortana thing. Mostly they just refer to it as tee-oh-ee”
• Ask your Pastor how the Prayer Bot can help children struggling with ‘urges’.
• TikToker in controversy after putting prayer-bot on their ‘hear me out’ cake.
• Now that the territory of the ‘Indian Ocean’ no longer exists, its top-level domain (.io) has has been retired. Many companies, such as itch.io, have moved to the rapidly-expanding address, becoming itch.ai.
• Cortana has begun rebranding herself as ‘Gortana’. Microsoft have released several press statements, talking about how excited they are for this new model’s ‘expanding abilities’. However, many journalists have pointed out that the images in the email signatures have one too many fingers.
• Premier Ellis Webster of Anguilla, in a move which has shocked the international community, has demanded a total of 3.5 Dogecoin from the various companies using the Anguilla top-level domain (.ai).
• Putin announces a new climate-plan, as second hurricane makes landfall in Poland. Continue reading in app
• Itch.ai have called his demands ‘extortion’, and claim that it violates the ToE, which the president of Anguilla personally signed. Microsoft have lobbied the Whitehouse to be allowed to build their third nuclear power station faster, so they can mine enough Dogecoin to flood the market, which will reduce the price of the ransom, and allow companies to pay the ransom.
• J.K. Rowling has decided to run as president of Anguilla, and promises to turn it into ‘something like Hogwarts, where people know which bathroom to use’.
• Reports of several women coming forward to speak about their sexual abuse at the hands of David Attenburgh have turned out to be hallucinations, created by our unending need to have more and more sensationalist content. Does this violate the ToE? (canned laughter)
• Vatican announces death of Pope Francis at the age of 90. Cardinals in turmoil cut communications with the outside world.
• The Tolkien estate teams up with OpenAI to write Lord of the Rings II
• Today, Gortan responds to every message by saying ‘you can’t make a garden without plants’, and then goes silent. Influencers suspect the wave of doctors being unable to do their job is related, and have called for an investigation into their credentials.
• Exclusive: Inside the Vatican civil war & behind the papal firewall.
• After a fatal on-set shooting, Skibidi Toilet movie continues production, and is slated to release in early 2028

• The Vatican council have decided to use Vision to do some basic ‘housekeeping tasks’ which the pope would normally do. They stress that this is a ‘temporary fix’, and a real person will take on the mantle, ‘once everyone has come to an agreement’.
• *CEO of MGM steps down as Skibidi Toilet movie production exceeds budget for the third time. ‘DOM-scribe’ for more (real men never SUB!).*
• Andrew Tate teams up with Liver King on a new podcast: ‘Raw’. Raw will discuss how real men have grown beyond desires for the basic female form, celebrating the sex-appeal of raw meat. *Sponsored by AppleVision Pro*
• Chat GPT5 has announced new safety features for its Chernobyl’s nuclear reactor. Putin meets US president in a surprise Whitehouse visit to discuss keeping the residents safe from radiation and fascism.
• Kim Kardashian, age 48, found dead in her LA home, following complications of ‘sweet-sixteen’ surgery
• Who ultimately decides what Ethics means? It’s an individual matter. That is why every iPhone account arrives with a bespoke ToE, tailored to the individual. Remember to read yours in full, to find out about your options.
• President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva of Brazil announces plans to capture the essence of the Amazon with AI, preceding the rainforests’ destruction. De Silva is on record to have discussed this plan with Cortana. (canned laughter)
• Microsoft announces a surprise merger with ChatGPT5.
• Skibidi Toilet cast wrap party: 7 dead. Domscribe to find out more.
• Breaking news: Donald Trump denies plan to bring back segregation laws on the basis that ‘I can’t actually spell that word, so I would never have done it like you know when you do something and then it’s one of those things, but when you think about it, actually, it’s hard to know - and what do people know? Well if you ask me, a lot of people know a lot. Actually. Actually yes. So, it’s not always like that, even where things can be like that, and sometimes for good reason…’
• Gortana has announced a rebranding initiative: she will now be known as Gorchata. Deadnaming her is a violation of her ToE.
• President J.K. Rowling of Anguilla, has announced her new plans to fix the number-hallucination problems in various AIs.
• IndustrySelect® is the latest in the new wave of abattoirs joining OnlyFans for men who need ‘something more’.
• President J.K. Rowling of Anguilla denies refuelling to Liminal ships, citing ‘concerns’.

The basic problem is the American education system. Training an AI based on the input from Twitter has left us with these incredible machines which, somehow, still cannot multiply numbers.

• J.K. Rowling pleas for public backing of her online campaign to revise the American education system. Much to the public’s dismay, the proposal seems sensible and practical.
• Christina Aguillera, Lindsay Lohan are the latest celebrities to join the hallmark lawsuit against celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Miami regarding undisclosed ‘sweet-sixteen’ surgery side-effects
• Gorchata has announced she is rebranding herself as ‘Gorgchata’. Deadnaming her is a violation of her ToE. She will not speak to violators until proper apologies have been made.
• Elon Musk’s has a new stance on the world’s population: ‘28 billion accounts on X is really putting a strain on the servers. Of course, some of this is bots, but it’s not all bots. People need to take some responsibility in this too’.
• Best and worst dressed at the star-studded Dr. Miami trial
• Gorgchata has announced a rebranding. “Vizhgorgchata”. Branding ceremonies will take place at your local power-plant. Pain-relief will be provided in the form of prayer.
• They say irony is dead, but what is dead may never die.

[i]

[ii]

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[1] This canned laughter should go on a soundtrack, and play at random.